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Friday, April 4th, 2003
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3:31 am - the war is making everyone insane
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| Monday, March 31st, 2003
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4:22 pm
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For all the reasons I generally oppose walkmen and stuff (it allows you to exist entirely in your own world and not connect with other humans, at all, ever), I'm getting one today. I'm under huge amounts of stress, and the only time I have to myself lately is while commuting, so I need to construct my own world when I can.
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4:10 pm - and on the subject of fear
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| Tuesday, March 25th, 2003
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5:17 pm - things going on in the world
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
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10:54 pm - my real life
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It's a gorgeous night, I'm upstairs on the computer with the window wide open listening to the salsa music the guys who hang out in front of the liquor store across the street are blasting, and watching them and random chickies dance a bit on the sidewalks from time to time and sing and cheer along with the songs.
This is where I fucking live. How fucking awesome is that? Right, I mean... just, it's all right here.
current mood: right with the world
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| Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
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3:08 am - children of dune
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As uneven and bizarre as the first one, but they really did a beautiful job with the nature of Leto's choices (even if I can't imagine it would have made sense to someone who hadn't read the book), and his relationship with his sister. Just breathtaking, even if the score behind all of that section of the plotline screamed "we really really want to be Lord of the Rings."
I like Dune so much, because it always made me walk a certain way, when I read it as a child. And the miniseries succeeds to the extent it does, even in the wake of horrific lines, a lot of terrible acting (although certainly there were some fantastic moments too) and shit special effects, because it produces that same posture. Other people might express it differently, but in the end, for everything, iit evokes the same sensations as the first reading of the book, which is pride and humility in the face of a world both crueler than ours, and far less arbitrary.
Just really, the whole thing moved me because it reminded me so vividly of the utter horror and beauty of the choices both Duncan and Leto make. I really really should reread the whole series again sometime when I have time.
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| Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
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9:47 pm - elephant parade
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Does anyone know what the deal is with the elephant parade?
I just realized it's tonight.
And I _have_ to go.
But I don't know where and when.
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| Sunday, March 16th, 2003
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11:01 pm - children of dune
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Children of Dune is so weird. Because it completely sucks in some ways (uneven performances, incredibly spotty effects, dialogue that's appalling), but there are other moments that just had me bawling. Strange thing. Strange thing. That montage of all the terrible events about 20 minutes before the end was stellar, as was that last conversation between Irulan and Maud'ib
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11:25 am - where i live
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| Saturday, March 15th, 2003
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8:48 am - This is not happening
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A couple of months ago I changed my cellphone plan to save me some money and sprint assured me I would not incur a $150 cancellation fee to do it.
Well now it's on my bill and they are going to shut my service off, and I can't do _anything_ that's going on in my life without it, but I also don't have that sort of money to spend.
To say I'm hysterical would vastly understate the point.
I'm on hold with them now, but I'm not expecting to be told anything other than it will cost me the money, and I'd say I don't know what to do, but the fact is there's nothing I _can_ do.
Hate.
UPDATED: The problem actually seems to be resolved. I'm shocked.
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| Friday, March 14th, 2003
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9:17 pm - another example of why reive is special
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| Thursday, March 13th, 2003
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9:43 am - silly quiz
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| Monday, March 10th, 2003
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8:46 am - news of the world
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| Saturday, March 8th, 2003
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12:00 pm - this is so cool
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http://www.72hfp.com/
Does anyone who actually knows how to make a movie want to play genius with me?
Because I feel sure that with a psycho deadline, I could probably beat my head against this hard enough to come up with a kick-ass proposal.
And yes, I'm totally serious.
current mood: whimsical
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| Friday, March 7th, 2003
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8:50 pm - bway musicals dark
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| Thursday, March 6th, 2003
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4:06 am - read this
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| Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
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11:37 pm - the temple of winds
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I just watched the English Patient for the first time since I saw it, which was in the theater, on like December 23rd in the year that it came out.
At the time, I had just broken up with my fiance, and the relationship with the man I cheated on him with was ending for that very reason -- I was no longer safe and I was no longer valuable. Without my fiance I might expect responsibility of him, or love. And then we spent years together.
The movie devastated me. I cried, and cried through it, unable to breathe, suffocating in the theater by myself. I can't remember which theater I saw it at anymore, which bothers me a great deal. I vowed never to see it again.
I bought him a hand-made leather bound journal that year, with leaves encased under the leather to give it texture. That and a fountain pen. He wanted to write, you see, the great American novel, and he showed all of us very literate but predictably flashy stories he had written years ago to prove it.
Around that time, I had just gotten the cats and one of them needed to be taken to the vet. Michael went with me, and it took hours. He was flirting with the girl at the desk, and when she mentioned that the cat had fleas he made a snarky remark about my apartment. I snapped at him, and he basically went on and on at me about how dare I cut him down in front of a woman he was attracted to.
I had no right. To anything.
He did not open the Christmas gift until after the holidays. He found it ironic. I had just thought it was beautiful, that it would be a sensual and cerebral pleasure. I am sure, he never wrote a word in it. Years later, at the end, I found letters I had written him, when we first met, that he never even opened.
That was a very long time ago.
Aside from being both less taken and less stricken with the film now, I realized that it taught me things, that I suffered from for a long time, and will always be part of my history.
It taught me, that sometimes you wind up married without noticing -- either because it is what you are expected to do, or because you love someone so blindingly, it just is.
The correllary to this, is that it taught me how to tell lies about the people I thought I needed, and therefore, supposed I loved.
People tell me not that infrequently that I remind them of Kristin Scott Thomas. And I saw that for the first time today, in her face, and in mine. And it makes me wonder, if that's why I sobbed so terribly much when I was twenty-three or whatever it was, watching the main characters kiss, because I saw myself, and couldn't even recognize her.
I have always written the stories of myself, because I have always known, there would be no one else to do it.
I've spent the day really, being angry and sad, making lists in my head of all the things I've ever been not supposed to love, and all the people who had rules for me about that. So afraid. So startlingly afraid. And even in the memory of it, I feel poisoned.
As you all know, I've been really taken with a few films in the last year that I just happened to miss when they came out, and part of me is bummed out by that -- I would have liked to seen them on the big screen, maybe they would have helped inspire me to do sooner what I am doing now, but maybe, I just knew a little bit, maybe, the universe just wanted to keep me safe, a little bit, 'cause I would have hated those wars, over those particular emotional shortcuts of image and sound.
I don't think I've ever felt safe at all really. And that's quite a startling thing to say, and so unfair from the girl who was never to be good enough, because she was both broken and unmarred.
current mood: mournful, and angry
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6:48 pm - boring status shit
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Well today just got easier making tomorrow more difficult.
My scene partner got tied up at work so we're meeting tomorrow at 8:30, this after the production meeting that just got moved from 6:30 to 6 and after my 3pm Mary Kay appointment and after a morning spent at the post office and trying to secure the hair/makeup person for my headshot shoot.
So, I'm going to cook now. And watch a movie. And perhaps have a little drink in recognition of Fat Tuesday. And then restart this chunck of writing from yet another place in hopes that that will a) solve the problem and b) move things along.
I feel like I'm never ever going to feel well-rested again. I think Sunday might manage to be a day off, which actually just means homework.
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3:47 pm - 100 errands
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I have a ton of errands to do (still haven't gotten to getting the computer fixed, but more pressing things are being dealt with) and then I need to straighten up for my scene partner coming over. And then once I survive that, _maybe_ I'll watch the English Patient, but mostly what I want to do is hide up here and write, as I am positively banging my head against something right now.
Very into my clothes today, althoug it's not really warm enough for them yet. I think it's going to be a beautiful summer.
Ordered my red jacket. Have an appointment with one of my team members tomorrow and then a production meeting.
Am doing headshots with Jinsey on April 18th (it was the first date I could get!)
Am testing for a lingerie catalog on Thursday.
Life on the precipice and all that.
This, by the way, is a quote I've always loved, but is particularly relevant to me right now, as the bulk of the writing I seem to be doing is really for myself, an exercise in creating not just characters, but the character I need to do the things I wish to do in the manner I wish to do them:
"I am a man, and men are animals who tell stories. This is a gift from God, who spoke our species into being, but left the end of our story untold. That mystery is troubling to us. How could it be otherwise? Without the final part, we think, how are we to make sense of all that went before: which is to say, our lives?
So we make stories of our own, in fevered and envious imitation of our Maker, hoping that we'll tell, by chance, what God left untold. And finishing our tale, come to understand why we were born." - Clive Barker
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2:53 am - manic manic happy rant
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I just watched Shallow Grave with Megan. It was of course 800 times more disturbing than I remembered it, but crap is it brilliant, and I'm like hugely energized right now -- which one can attribute to a good film after a brutal day in acting classes or the fact that my earlier supposition that this is a movie that doesn't contaminate me is wrong wrong wrong. I mean, come on, how could I watch that and not have a little Alex Law moment? and while most of you could care less, I can't mention the film without saying how fucking hot Ewan McGregor looks when he's screaming in pain in that movie. Too evocative. Anyway.
Then we discovered that our freezer door is no longer shutting. Well it shuts, but then slowly but surely the seal pops open. Does anyone know how to fix that? Right now we've got it taped shut with duct tape, which was a particularly bizarre endeavor after watching said film.
Then we had this really intense conversation about acting and our experiences and our hopes and perspectives and stuff. And I have to say, since I just said it before and I'd like to get it down. I know what it's going to take for me to die really really happy, and I have every bit of faith and certainty in the world that I'm going to get those opportunities. There are roles out there in the world, in the future, that I'm the only right person for, and there may not be that many of them, but I'm going to get to do the type of work I want to do in the types of situations I want to do it in with the types of people I'll be honored to have in my life -- and the rest is just gravy and if I'm making my living as a stage manager, or working in production or finally learning how to sew proper (that's a big goal too, to intern in a costume department for a film) and working in costume -- fantastic. I mean, I can't think of any greater priviledge in the world than getting together with a bunch of people, and making something real. And however that turns out... well, *shrug* you know?
I know the strangest things in my heart and I'm so fucking lucky it just blows me away.
And since I'm doing a _lot_ of pondering about relationships lately -- I can only really live with love and by that I mean live mindfully of it, and be able to give it and receive it and stuff, when the focus of my existence isn't on being in love because for me anyway that turns into need and fear and a lot of boring old habits predicated on the fact that I tend to expect the people who care about me to be unpredictable assholes.
What I want, and I think all I want really, is for every interaction in my life to reach its natural conclusion whether that be sex or an argument or an all night conversation or a collaboration, or a goodbye or an every three months get together for coffee. I want things in my life to go where they want to go if everything weren't all tangled up in fear and what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to live, that's all. Why doesn't nobody's parents ever tell them that?
It's why I don't have any expectations really for some of the interpersonal things that may be afoot in my life right now. I mean we'll see. I don't have to be sure and make a lot of rules to live truthfully. Quite the opposite really.
There's so much going on right now, and the best part is, this is all really only the precipice, because most of the time, I just feel like I can't bloody sneeze and I just live my days, smiling and in wait.
current mood: blood orange sorbet
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